Sweet Imperfections

It was on a day like this one I found my biggest flaw and even finding it was a flaw in itself.

How can a flaw be so hard to find? It’s a flaw, it should be glaring! But it wasn’t. We’d combed through all the little imperfections and considered them not big enough till we’d found this.

In truth, “we” didn’t find this, you did, and it took at least thirty minutes of talking and arguing and practically negotiating before I came down to it.

I’m sorry.

See what I just realized? For every time I said my biggest fear was failure or oblivion, I lied.

I cannot fail; that’s as much a positive declaration as it is an assurance, plus, what’s oblivion anyway? If I do not fail (and I cannot), I’d have enough scribbles flying around for centuries – soon enough.

My biggest fear is being vulnerable. To let you see me for me, no defences, no shields, bare and uncovered. That you can see how I really feel without me having the first hand privilege of rewriting the way you see it, so I have the upper hand.

I don’t know what is scarier than that.

In my defense, to shield me from this great fear of mine, I’ve carved and painted this picture of me, that is so pretty, so perfect. And it’s all you see. It’s fed to you over and again, till it reached the greatest heights and now it’s a yoke on our necks.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I only show you my strengths and not my weaknesses and now what you see is this tower of strength who has it figured out, not the confused 20 something year old I really am.

And how I’m so body conscious, it’s all we live and breathe! I never tell you about how long it took for me to actually be comfortable in my own skin, or how I ensure everything fits snug around the waist because it is my confidence booster, or how I’m actually lying when I say I’m “lowkey” insecure about the shape of my head and my bom. It’s not lowkey.

Most of all, I’m sorry I always come out as Miss Goody-two-shoes, who’s always happy and has a planned out existence.

I would always talk about how Jesus is the best way to solve every issue, and how if you talked to Him, you’d feel all the difference but I’d never tell you about the days I feel so gone, I can’t mutter a line to Him or make it to church for weeks, even when I know it’s all I need.

I’d gracefully let you see my plans book and the lists outlined with timelines but hide when I have to tear the page out and rewrite it because I NEVER meet any timelines I set for myself.

I’m the perfect goof with the wise chatter, the endless chuckles and chuckle-worthy retorts; just so you never see my woes or the pain around the edges of these eyes that know tears oh-so-often.

Every time I tell you we are on the same ship and you grunt in disbelief, I’ll tear off another guarded layer in hope that one day, some day, I’d be one with my fear – vulnerable, open – and you’d see through all of this, see me as I really am, with all my imperfections bubbling up, and then we’d sit in the warmth that only a fusion of our sweet imperfections can bring.

I hope you see it.

If we were having coffee…

… we’d be sitting at the far end of the coffee shop, just by the windows, and we’d stare out appreciating nature and passersby for the moment.

Then suddenly, I’d turn and look at you and ask you the most mundane question I can muster up, because, that is the thing. The most important questions are the hardest to ask or talk about.

So, I venture; “what makes you happy?”

And you look at me, wondering where that came from. And you muster; “everything”.

You think it’s an easy get away from probing deeper but it’s exactly the response I wanted because it’s not about you at this moment, it’s about me. And my unspoken feelings, unspoken fears, untaken risks, unattained goals and the deep desire to talk about them!

So when you muster; “everything” all I see is this big opportunity to finally let it out and I grab it before it slips away. I start speaking almost breathlessly before my tirade leaves me.

These are the biggest issues with all of us, I say. Our inability to actually sit still and think deep and look inwards and find the real things. Everything cannot make you happy. It’s simply impossible!

To be happy is to be deliberate. To look and to find the things that bring the feeling. You have to be intentional. You have to find it. And it means everything to me when I find people who are actively looking for these things. Being intentional means everything to me. So, are you intentional?

You look at me afraid and uncertain about responding because you see the trap in this and you know just where I’m headed.

I give you that sultry smile, and ask again.

“Are you intentional?”

Things I’ve Learnt

Long ago, when I was 19 and still a radio junkie, I was listening to one of those night shows they had on Cool FM – don’t remember the title or the show now – and the presenter read out all of these with the title “I’ve learnt that…”. I was an agile kid, I took it all down. All of it didn’t add up then, they still all don’t add up now, but, I like them and I’m sharing them and you’re gonna read them 😛

You heard!

I’ve learnt that,

  • Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they’ll like you back
  • It takes years to build trust but only seconds to destroy it
  • You can get on charm for about 15 seconds, after that you had better know something
  • You shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do, but the best you can do
  • We don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change
  • You shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret, it could change your life forever
  • Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something different
  • There are many ways of falling and staying in love
  • Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t know you
  • The paradigm we live is not all that’s offered to us
  • What you see isn’t always what you get
  • It’s not what happens to people that’s important, it’s what they do about it
  • No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides
  • You should always leave loved ones with loving words; it may be the last time you’ll see them
  • You can’t keep going long after you think you can’t
  • No matter how broken your heart is, the world doesn’t stop for your grief
  • The law of give and it shall be given unto you, doesn’t always apply
  • Good or bad sex is just a thing of the mind
  • Just because two people argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other and because they don’t doesn’t mean they do
  • Sometimes, you have to put the individual ahead of their actions
  • Our backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become
  • Sometimes when friends fight, you’re forced to choose sides even when you don’t want to
  • Heroes are people who do what needs to be done, regardless of the consequences
  • Learning to forgive takes practice
  • No matter how good someone is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that
  • It isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself
  • Absence most times doesn’t make the heart grow fonder
  • Bad things happen to good people
  • The patient dog might just die of hunger
  • Not everyone is cut out for marriage
  • Change is the only constant thing in life

That’s all folks!