My Humans

I like to describe myself as boring.

You know those sorta people yeah? All their activities start and end indoors, within a few random books or in-front of the PC. I think them boring too. I am one of them.

They say Life is like a canvas; it begins blank, but everyday is another brush stroke.

If my life was left to me in my room, with my random books and my PC, I swear my canvas would be full of black, white and grey. x_x

But then I have all’o y’all!

You listen to me and read my ever infrequent boring posts. You keep up with my crap (I know it’s a lot), make me laugh crazy out loud, get my absolutely boring jokes that only I understand. You hear me repeat the same old -supposedly interesting – stories about my dad, my sister and my momma, and still smile through it. You take the pain to explain your jokes – cuz I’m usually slow, holla even though I never stay in touch :( and basically not only accept my weird complexities but embrace them.

I know I’m the goofest goof there is and I don’t show it or say it enough, but I’m grateful.

Grateful you are in my life and you bring all these splashes of green and purple and yellow, and red and pink, turquoise, cyan – that new colour I just learnt – aubergine! You make my canvas full of energy and it’s the sweetest thing.

My Humans

This is certainly not the best way to say thank you, considering you might not see it early enough, but you will, ’cause I know you’re out here lurking from time to time 😉

Y’all are my reason to believe :)

Dear Daughter,

Dear daughter

 

I bought my first compact brown powder over the weekend, along with a good shade of foundation and a powder brush. As I worked my way through putting my face together on Sunday morning, I laughed at myself for a bit. See, I remember the years of agony my mother faced with having two kids who are nothing like her where making up is concerned. I thought about how she tried everything to get us to be “make-up wearers” early enough and how she constantly rolled her eyes when she saw us ready to go out with bushy eyebrows, roughly put talcum powder and lip balm. I remembered her say at some point that we’d grow up suddenly and realize making up wasn’t such a bad thing, and I smiled at how right she was.

There’s something so decidedly feminine and adult about the whole process of getting ready and it made me think of you – even though you aren’t here yet – and my mom. I hope you meet her, and I hope she teaches you all the tricks with making up with her huge make up box that I hope you inherit. And then, I hoped that you too would one day celebrate how I was right about something you were stubborn about :)

I settled into wondering what you would be like, and I hoped against hope that you wouldn’t inherit some of my characteristics. I hope you aren’t stubborn about your ideals and you are flexible enough to embrace change, unlike me and that you do not want to live a fantasy or build sand castles in the sky and hold on to its possibility with dogmatism. I hope you do not have my almost horrible ability to over-analyze and dissect any situation even when I know it’s only gonna cause me grief. I hope you do not dance around pessimism and negative what ifs like I tend to but hold on to optimism like your life depends on it, ’cause it does. I hope your nails are not short and stubby like mine, and they are as far away from your mouth, as the east is from the west. I hope you do not become overly independent or dependent. I hope you are never timid, and you can stand in front of every crowd to say everything that pops in your mind, intelligently. I hope you don’t shut yourself from the world when you feel bad, because people were made to both lift you up and bring you down; you need them, no matter the state of your mind. And I hope you don’t cry so easily or so often.

I hope you love food – the cooking as well as the eating -and you have a good eating habit.  I hope you make good friends that would stand the test of time and are of good character, and I hope you keep them. I hope you know and love your body, never to lazy to keep it in shape and never shy of its weird complexities. I hope you are creatively inclined and that country music gives you peace and rock songs make you happy :) . I hope it brings you joy to do crazy uncoordinated dances, like me. I hope you find your purpose early and work you way towards it with fierce determination. And I hope you’re a happy child, giving the joy to the world, one smile at a time.

I hope you have a good sense of self and hold on to becoming you. I hope you’re opinionated, actually, you have to be, it’s too strong in my family. But I mostly hope you know how to put a good balance, knowing where your opinions should rather be held on to, than said out loud. I hope your days are filled with confidence, knowing you can do anything with God and determination. I hope you’re more selfless than I try to be, knowing that people always come before things. And you’re smart and thoughtful and generous, not only because it’s sexy, but because it’s everything.

I hope you’re friends with my father, and that you spend your early years sitting at his feet, listening to words of wisdom and I hope his arms are still strong enough to lift you up like he lifted me up when I little. I hope every scar you get from the world moulds you into a woman of wisdom and character who understands better because she has learnt. And I hope it never ever gets you down. I hope you learn to love early and then find love. And I hope when you find “the one”, you treat him like he is the one.

I hope you’re more of a lady than I am, wearing skirts, heeled shoes and red lipstick. I hope your hair is always in place, ’cause I’m not sure I’d be able to help with that pretty well – my natural hair always needs to be set free in loose tangles on sunny afternoons :) . I hope you’re strong and zealous and enthusiastic about life. I really hope you decide early on to live a life geared towards inspiring and helping others, living a story worth telling. I hope you work out your own salvation, love Jesus a heck ova lot and have a steady relationship, it’ll make all the difference in your life. I hope you set your path straight before you and walk in that direction daily, never losing sight of the big picture whilst still giving time to appreciate the beauties of life all around you.

Dear Daughter, above all, I hope I can be all things and more for and to you. A good example, a role model, a friend, a sister, a goofy partner, an available ear to your rants and a prayer partner. I’d love to share my shoes with you – hurry, have big feet!, and have you steal my clothes. I’d be excited to be chauffeur more often than not and your teacher every single day! I want to be the pillow you cry on when you get your heart broken – you most likely will – and I’d be glad to eat all the comfort food and get fat with you on the road to healing.  And while I’m waiting to start this relationship with you, I’d spend these days of my youth becoming someone worthy to be looked up to as a mother.

Lots of love,

Silver Linings

Yesterday,
Commute back home

My friend buzzed me on Skype with a link to a video comparing Siri, Cortana and Google now. Attached to the link was “Since you seem to like these things”.
My first real smile broke out.
Then he asked “How are you?
And this one time it felt okay to say “I’m not okay”

I’m not.
They say the first step is awareness and the next is acceptance, yes?

OK.

***

When I got to the bus stop, a random girl walked past me and said hello with a really cheerful smile.
I couldn’t ruin her day, so I gave it my best shot and said hello with a good smile too.
We ended up in the same Keke.

When she got to her bus stop, I took it further. I smiled and said “Ba-bye”
She gave me that irresistible smile again, walked back and paid my fare.

I didn’t get a chance to say thank you.
I got extra money to buy Chipsy!

***

I got my favorite seat on the bus – by the window.
Didn’t get a good sitting partner :(

I spent the entire journey trying to ensure his clammy skin wouldn’t rub against mine.

Still, I didn’t miss the sun setting in the sky!

 

Silver Linings - Sunset

<3 <3

 

***

I’ve been seeing some really huge mangoes everywhere, recently.
They’re literally as big as my head  and my head is very big.
I stopped over to make enquires.

A small girl walked up to me, said it was a hundred bucks and asked how many I wanted.
I said one, and asked what kinda mangoes they were
She said they’re called “Jekoyo”
Transalation: Eat and be filled.

I had the heartiest laughter in that moment

 

Silver Linings - Mango

She was right! I couldn’t finish it!!!

***

There’s this woman on the way to my house who sells the most unhealthy puffpuffs. Like they’re so oily and sweet at the same time, you’re literally crying about your fat destiny while you eat them. :(

With our fists held up with grit, my sister and I said “We shall indulge”
We hop on this bike and we (the bike guy and us) had the best convos ever! (see in following paragraph, this paragraph is dedicated to the puffs yo!

The puffpuffs were oily as ever, but they were good, so good. <3

P.S.: That woman is probably the only person who sells puffpuff at night. Freaky!

 

***

So, to the bike guy;

While my sister was buying the puffpuff (I’m too posh to be stretching my hand to buy that stuff flicks hair), the guy was peering intently at something.
I venture; “What are you looking at?”
He says; “That paper, I think say na 100 naira, I wan go take am”
I’m like gasp “But it’s not your own, your money isn’t lost!”
He says; “If you see money on the floor, you no go take am?”
I said; “No really. The only reason I’d pick money off the floor is if I am stranded and penniless. Somehow, I’d think it was God’s intervention” (No, I didn’t speak all this English to him
He said “Ah! Be there! Even if I get 10 million naira, if I see 1000 naira on the floor, I go still carry am! So far I no slap somebody collect am or break inside someone shop take am, I go carry am! Na Lagos we dey o!”

insert inspirational quote about these things, ‘cause I just can’t find the words right now

***

Still on the bike guy;

We bought him puffpuffs too (yeah, we is nice kids)
He was holding the nylon of puffpuffs and riding his bike yeah, and suddenly at some point, he flings his hand –the puffpuff nylon hand – in the air to shout at some other driver.
I had a mini panic attack. I’m like – in my head – oh no! If you do not want the puff puff, give it to me!
So he wouldn’t do it again, I said “What if someone snatches that nylon?”
He laughed and therein begun this speech; (pay attention)

He said he never locks his bike when he parks it for the night and that no one can ever steal it.
That even if he put dollars in a nylon on his bike and walked away, he’d meet it intact when he returned.
He’s like; “You no fit go to a mad woman say you wan check wetin she dey carry, so nobody fit touch my thing.

After a moment of silence, he said;
“That thing wey I dey talk, na like this you go get am.
Find female dog, when she born, one day after, carry one of the pikin, kill am. You go put the blood on anything/anywhere wey you no want make anybody steal”

He then proceeds to swear by the name of my Heavenly Father!
The chump!

(Thank you God for your merciful kindness!)

***

I got a call from a friend I had promised I’d call and didn’t. While I was going on and on apologizing, he says “hush, just wanted to check you’re fine” :)

 

There’s a lot of beauty in the world, it’s up to us to find them and make them our happy pills, our own silver linings,  no matter how hard it gets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ironies.

He called looking for his father

I found his father

His father said he didn’t want to see him

I told him nothing

 

He came looking for me

To have family from his -unknown- father’s side

I hugged him and made him feel safe

It did nothing

 

He called asking for his father’s number

I scurried around to get it despite his father’s instruction

I got it and kept it

I did nothing

 

He followed up with me on his father’s number

I felt immense guilt and handed it over

He felt immense gratitude for this new information

But he did nothing – yet.

 

He called to check on me

We promised we’d keep in touch

He lost his phone

I did nothing

 

***

His -unknown- father died this morning

I called hoping somehow I’d break it to him

He said he finally did something

I said; “what?”

He said he sent a series of messages pouring out his heart and how he felt

I couldn’t bring myself to say why I called

So, once again, I did nothing.

It’s the little things…

Falling ill. Lying in bed helpless for 8 days. Having my parents take turns by my bed side. My mum massaging my back ’cause it hurt. Eating custard and eko for five days. Bottles of Lucozade littered in my room. Friend’s calling to check-in. Crying that I could take it no more. Seeing the fear in my mother’s eyes. Finding muse in the mid of the night to write my last post. Using the last bit of my strength to type it out on my phone (Took an hour thirty minutes). Trudging to the kitchen and falling in the middle of the night. Having Superman/Dad rescue me. My mum bathing me. My mum looking for my underwear. My mum giving up on my choosiness over my underwear and asking my dad to help. My dad running away. Taking 16 injections. Having ice cubes strapped in my pajama bottoms over the lump the injections created. Hiding pills beneath my bed. Throwing the food away when no one was looking. Praying to God to help me get better. Watching movies and sleeping off before the title is up. Fighting to make a goddamn toast with no strength. Recuperating. Seeing the the light in their eyes. Bisi making me spaghetti and buying me ice-cream. Watching New Girl till late in the night. Getting back to work.

I “might” have found inner peace.

All of life is but a dream; paint it if you would, write it if that suits or sing it to your tune but whatever you do, don’t just bloody live it. Create it.

:)