My not-so-typical morning

There are a few things I cannot stand; a poorly done TV ad, badly voiced radio jingles, clammy sweaty bodies rubbing against me… Sheesh! They are many! But dirty hands touching me; that stands apart! Nothing irks me as much as that. I randomly catch myself chanting “Oh please don’t touch me, don’t reach to shake my hand…” in my mind. No, I’m not a snob. I just much-too-often pop my body parts (fingers, wrists, elbows, shoulders… I’m flexible, yes?) in my mouth to while away time and my body already generates enough germs, I definitely don’t want yours! That’s my excuse.

On my way to work every morning, I walk down this path; there’s always an average of ten men scattered around with little distances between them. I used to think they were the bus conductors but apparently not so. They’re spectators. They stand there with pipes  in their mouths (You do know I mean cheap cigarettes there), puffing out smoke and giving satisfactory nods to species of the feminine gender well rounded in the appropriate places as they pass by.

Life happened, and slowly there was a paradigm shift from spectators to commentators/gropers. And so every morning, as I walk by, I’m bombarded with chants of “Hey segzy, I laik de way you wok…” or “Fine gehl, gimme your number na” whilst dodging from the littlest bit of contact between the scummy hands and my body. (Remember my excuse, I’m not a snob 😐 )

I had a rough morning today, and even before I got to the dreaded path, I knew I was in no mood for it.  I decided to plug my ears in advance. As I walked along, I heard nothing, saw nothing and felt nothing. It was working after all. And then suddenly, this guy just walks up to me and yanks my ear phones out and says “Ahn ahn, sister, we dey talk to you now, why you no wan answer”. I’m chanting inwardly “Breathe in, breathe out, don’t lose it” and the final straw! HE GRABS MY HAND!!!

NO! NO! NO! There was no way I would let that pass! I grabbed his shirt and started yelling things I don’t remember now. All the rest of the spectators-turned-commenting-gropers came around and appeased me saying “We know this aunty, she no get wahala, sister no vex” I calm down and continue on my journey.

I had passed a message (even if it was just in my mind) because truth is after he grabbed me, I yelped a weak “Limme!” and hurriedly scurried away whilst they laughed behind 🙁

Now I’m in my seat, seething and picturing all the things I could have said and done to guarantee my safety, walking down that path. I’m really seething. 🙁


One of those days

These are random thoughts that crossed my mind on my way to work – in the damn bus – today:

– All bus drivers and conductors really need to be tutored on how “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”! I’m like Jeez! Why do they always do this? {“This” being not brushing their teeth, having a quick bath or at least doing “rub and shine”}

– Plus, they do NOT deserve to hear. They should all be doomed with deafness for consistently blaring loud noise in the name of music!

– If Tiwa Savage should sing one more song with a repeated word in the chorus, her voice box should be taken away 😐 Love me x 4!!!, Kele Kele Love, Kele Kele Love Oh , Eminado Eminado!!! What tha?!

– And by the way, who does Olamide think he is? Always screaming at someone and he’ll be forming singing a jam!

– Sitting in the front seat of the bus, with the wind blowing in your face has this whimsical feeling of “owner’s corner”, yes?

– Busing in Lagos makes you violent 🙁 {Some calm girl- in between sleep – had her umbrella drop out of the moving bus, she had to rave and rant before they let her get it}

– Is it just me or people in cars look out at those in buses with pitiful expressions? {I think I do it when I’m in the car too *thinking* Oh whatever!}

– There’s no place like home {This came the moment the bus driver passed a different route that had me trekking for the next ten minutes before I was any bit close to my office location}

– I take back all the times I said “I can’t wait to grow up”… It’s such a jungle out here 🙁

– I know I didn’t choose this life, I just don’t know why the heck it chose me!


The aggrieved.

Yup. That’s me.

I work in my office (yeah, obviously) and I had a very best friend. She didn’t die. She resigned. And in a little over 36 hours, every step I’ve taken at work has come with pitying glances, hoping I’m fine.

Here are a number of reactions/responses I’ve gotten:


The Cleaner: Adeola, she no come yesterday and I no see her today, hope everything is fine?

Me: *flippanty* (or at least feigning it perfectly) She’s fine. She got a new job. She’s moved on.

The Cleaner: Hey! Sorry o! Eeyahhhh! Pele. God will create a way for you too o!

Me: *walking away wondering at what point I complained about my job to her and shaking my head* Amen


The Spirited Colleague: Hey, what’s this gist I’m hearing that she has moved? Is it true?

Me: Yup. Friday was her last.

The Spirited Colleague: Aww. I’m here for you! I know the void is too large to be filled but I’ll try. You hear?

Me: *With  a fake smile* I hear.


The very slow geek: Where’s your sister?

Me: *frustrated* She resigned.

The very slow geek: Aww. Why didn’t she take you along?

Me: As her handbag?

The very slow geek: No now, like get you a job there too

Me: *too tired to contain it* *fake smile* Ok! So you got your answer about her whereabouts, I need to go now. Bye!


The Team Lead: Aww ‘Deola, see how quiet you are ’cause she’s not around. Don’t worry, we’d soon employ someone to fill her position. I’m trying to find someone like you so you can get along nicely. Do you want a boy or a girl?

(I hope you share my exasperated sentiments at this point)

Others have included offers to go home with me, unexpected hugs, exaggerated kindness and of course the pitying glances

I’m getting pushed to putting up a sign at the door of my department that says;

“Hello people, this too shall pass! Can you help make it faster by being normal and not doing a poor job at feigning it, it’s starting to piss me off!”

I know they care, and I know it’s sheer love and compassion but  it’s not helping me one bit.

On the flip side, I miss you nigger and I miss the way it used to be. Remember this?

Voiceless “Mirror on the wall” cover